In some ways becoming a mother has made me feel more sure of who I am and what my purpose is than ever before. But since becoming a mother I have also doubted myself and been more insecure than any other time in my life.
Even as an awkward, homeschooling high school student I knew who I was. I was confident in myself and of my decisions. As a college student I knew exactly what I was doing, and where I wanted to end up. I was an artist, a roommate, a friend, a teacher, a daughter, and a student. After graduating I quickly went into a job that I loved and was excited about. Since graduating college I have always felt that the jobs I have had are a big part of who I am. At the end of the day I felt successful or important because of what I accomplished at work that day. I still enjoy my job, but I feel successful and accomplished at the end of the day now because I was able to make Beckett belly laugh, comfort him when he was upset, and cuddle him to pieces before bed. Now, being a mom is my job, and I just happen to be a mom that also has a job.
Being a Mom is the best job I have ever had. It's more rewarding and special than anything I've ever experienced. Although it has it's challenging moments, I have been surprised at how naturally taking care of a baby has been for me because I have definitely never been a baby person. I have grown and changed in so many ways that sometimes I feel like I'm a different person. Lately I find myself trying to figure out who I am now that I'm a Mom. I am a new person now, a better version of the old me, but I'm still trying to get to know who that person is. It's hard because it's not something that happened gradually with age and slowly over time. It happened in a matter of seconds. For 26 year I was just me and I only had me to worry about. Life was about what I wanted, when I wanted it, and who I wanted to be. In a matter of seconds I became a mom and everything changed. So many things that used to matter to me, don't anymore. I have a new body now that's purpose for the past 18 months has been to grow and feed a baby. The dynamics of a marriage completely change when you have a baby. I have fallen more in love with my husband watching him be a wonderful father, but we have less time together and have to work harder to keep our marriage strong.
I second guess even the little decisions I make now because they seem so much more crucial than before. I will have a tiny little person observing my every move and learning to be like me. That makes me want to be the best person I can. I want to be giving, kind, faithful, honest, healthy, smart, and strong because that's what I want for my children. I want to be an example for them, and teach them how to be all those things, but because I always fall short in all of those areas I begin to doubt myself. I sometimes get down because I'm not as good of a friend, neighbor, or wife as I'd like to be. I don't take the time to make healthy dinners every night. I haven't taken homemade bread to my kind neighbors once even though I've thought about it a million times. I often fall asleep when I finally sit down to read the scriptures or pray. Sometimes I spend all evening talking about Beckett's nap schedule and how much he ate and forget to ask Mark how his day was. It seems like I'm trying to improve every area of my life more than I ever have before, but it just so happens to be at the same time in my life that I've never had so little time.
I don't like these new feelings of second guessing myself or feeling inadequate. However, evaluating who I am, who I want to be, and how to get there, I think can only be a good thing. If I was perfectly satisfied with who I was and what I was doing then my progress would be stagnant.